By Emily Saunders

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  1 Peter 5:10

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”  Romans 15:13

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory. Isaiah 6:13

God tells us many times in the Bible that life on Earth will be difficult.  There will be valleys.  There will be suffering, heart ache, and burdens.  He also tells us to lean on him, to come to him, to worship him and to choose joy.
Years ago I read those words, but couldn’t relate.  How can we choose joy in our suffering?  It almost sounds ludicrous in the flesh.  I now understand more fully.  After two long weeks of waiting on genetic test results after a concerning 12 week ultrasound and then a miscarriage at almost 14 weeks I understand.  My heart hurts and I am suffering, but I have joy.

The past month has been one of trials of wildly swinging emotions of beauty of love of hope.  The Easter holiday took on a new meaning.  I feel like in the midst of questions, uncertainty and losing a baby I fully grasped the sacrifice that Jesus made for me.  He gave himself up, He CHOSE to die for me.   Because of His sacrifice I rest assured that my baby is in Heaven and know that one day I will meet her.  That brings me joy.

During this time we have been blessed with countless meals, flowers, cards, notes, message, hugs and most of all prayers.  In a world where so much evil persists I have witnessed love in its truest sense. People showed up.  My friends are real.  I have faith that God is at work in our world.  God’s people reign and his love shines through them.  It radiates brightly.   His followers are righteous and love beautifully.  I feel loved- so very loved.  That brings me joy.

God’s timing is perfect.  I lost the baby on the day after Easter.  My parents were in town for the holiday.  My Mom, who also endured a 2nd trimester miscarriage was able to be with me.  My Dad gladly looked after Adler for two days.  My husband was able to tend to me and grieve with me rather than caring for our son.  That brings me joy.

My faith is stronger.  While we waited on genetic test results we prayed fervently for a miracle.  We also prayed God’s will.  Finally, we prayed that if God’s will was that our baby would not survive outside the womb that He would take the baby quickly so that we would not have to make impossible decisions.  That prayer is answered and that brings me joy.

Two days after my miscarriage I learned that my prayer had been fully answered.  My baby girl had Trisomy 18 and would likely not have made it full term and even if she had then would most likely have died very soon after.  My pain pales in comparison to being required to make decisions about continuing a pregnancy or wondering every day if my baby was still alive or giving birth to a full term baby that will not live.  I feel blessed and that brings me joy.

My testimony is stronger.  God has fully carried this burden for me.  I feel peace.  I feel covered in prayer.  I FEEL prayer at work.  He is with me.  I feel Him.  His strength is upon me.  That brings me joy.

God promises that He has a plan for me.  I feel assured that we will have another child.  His favor is with me.  That brings me joy.

Thank you for your prayers, beautiful hearts, and for giving me hope.  I love our Momsanity Community.