Kati Canosa is keeping it REAL.  Let's be honest about our struggle with MOM GUILT.  Kati shares how Mom Guilt plagues her days and how she battles it as a career mom!  You're going to love her and want to hang out with her, even if she isn't wearing deodorant.

I’m a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend. I’m a child of God. I’m a medical based speech-language pathologist.  My days are full, my heart is fuller. All of these titles are wonderful and difficult. 

Y’all, I am tired. 

My day starts 5:25 a.m., well, 5:30ish, well, whenever I surrender that I cannot possibly hit snooze one more time and still get to work on time. And sheesh, I also have mom guilt. It is a real thing.  “Mom, you’re doing great,”  a kind stranger says to me.  She overheard me talking to my sweet (and sometimes sassy) daughter.  This kind stranger took the time to tell me I was doing a good job at being a mom, and it really made my day.  It actually changed my outlook on myself.  Thank you.

My sweet hubs is a teacher and gets to be a home hubs during the summer, which is not an easy day.  So I do the morning chores and let him sleep.  Yes, I do watch him sleep with some envy.  And yes, I am sort of jealous they went to Tanglewood Park while I was not home. But I drink my coffee hot and pee alone and call it even.  That’s how I deal with the slight envy and mom guilt of working outside the home.  But seriously, hot coffee and solo bathroom time is coveted. 

My typical week day during the summer.   I  wake up, feed the baby (who is already 4 months old- what?!), put on my lovely hands free nursing bra to pump, pump while moving about (thank you, Medela, for the FreeStyle!), feed the cats, sneak in my daughter’s room and give a good morning kiss without waking her, feed the dog, clean up the water bowl that I will inevitably trip over because I’ve not yet had coffee and I am still in a haze, let the dog out, brush my teeth and wash my face, remove pump and sexy hands free pumping bra, let the dog in, wash the pump parts and put milk in the fridge, head back to bathroom and put on my moisturizer and make up on so I don’t look like I rolled out of the cast of Night of The Living Dead, pack my breakfast (because you know I hit snooze one too many time to eat at home),  brew some coffee because I was busy cleaning up the spilled pet water and forgot to push the single button it takes to use my Keurig (don’t judge, I use the re-fillable filter-most of the time), grab pump bag, work bag, and walk out the door. Whew! Did I put on deodorant?  No, seriously, since returning to work after maternity leave, I’ve forgotten to put on deodorant more than once.   

Ahh, I’m in the car, headed to work.  And, I am A L O N E in my car.  “Me Time”. This is my Jesus time.  Thank Him for my family, for my health and for loving me when I don’t even like me sometimes.  Ask for forgiveness, grace and mercy.  I am a sinner.  I screw up.  A lot.  Request His guidance.  Lord, help me best the best wife, mother, sister, friend, child of God, and speech therapist I can be.  I want to support my husband (forgive me for giving him the third degree about leaving his shoes RIGHT next to the closet AGAIN.  LITERALLY, right outside the threshold of the closet).  I want to raise my children to know and love God and love one another.  I want to provide the absolute best care possible to every patient I serve.  Grant me wisdom.  This is where I get about a good solid 15 minutes of uninterrupted talking to God.

Clock in. I made it.  7:00. Well, maybe 7:00ish.  Hike the entire hospital to get to my office (a daunting task while I was really pregnant).  Log on and let my clinical day begin.  Chart reviews consistently put things in perspective.  I hang my head, my chaotic morning was such a wonderful chaos.  I am able-bodied.  I have a loving, supportive, healthy family.

Guilt comes knocking.  Do I even have the right to be stressed because I tripped over the pet’s water bowl for the millionth time?  Am I allowed to be frustrated I tripped over my husband’s shoes because he didn’t toss them the extra 2 inches fully in the closet?  My worst day is better than my patients’ current best day.

I get through my clinical day, doing my absolute best of my abilities to evaluate, diagnose and treat my patients.  The awareness of tragedies is present.  The joy of observing my patients improvement is present.  The auditory overload of the constant noise of my pager, the phones, the overhead paging, and the monitors is present.  But most of all, the fulfilment that I made a positive impact and a difference is present.

I finish documenting, return all calls and emails and pack up to leave.  Enter guilt.  But what about those patients I didn’t get to today?.  Maybe I’ll see just one or two more. Knock, knock- guilt’s back.  Am I going to stay and then sacrifice my precious family time?  Home late, again, to do “just one more thing” or see “just one more patient”, even though I worked through lunch and saw as many as possible?

I make the hike to the parking deck and head home.  In the summer, my trip is more “me time” and I decompress.  I entered home, thankful to see my tribe that I missed today.  Maybe my daughter wants to play “20 questions” or we will sing along to “Frozen” (No, it’s not over yet.  We have not yet let it go).  Guilt, again…because truthfully, I don’t love playing 20 questions (of course I will J).  I don’t really want to hear lots of noise and chaos (a smidge more of guilt),  But, this is my precious time with my lively 5 year and smiley 4 month old.  Then we practice reading, and maybe her little brother will be happy in his swing or being rocked in my arms.  Maybe he’ll throw a four-alarm fit and I can’t help her or play that moment.  Enter guilt. Ok, squeeze in a 20 minute workout.  Yay, we can do this as a family.  Ok, ok, I’d love for you to sit on my back while I plank.  Please don’t drop that weight on your foot.  Sure, I’d love for you to take the kids while I work out, but I haven’t seen you loves all day.

Guilt.

I yearn for quiet and alone time, yet cannot let a single second go without these precious humans I love more than life itself.  Yes, I am a hot mess.  Dinner, kids’ bath, and finally-its quiet time before bed. “Mommy can you lay with me just 2 minutes?” hmm, my initial reaction internally is a solid no.  Peek-a- boo, guilt.  One day she won’t ask me anymore and I’ll write another post about that. I want to spend just a few more minutes with my girl.  After all, I worked 8 hours and miss her.  However, the bliss of finally sitting down (perhaps with a glass of wine) is also what I want. Guilt. I snuggle up with her a few minutes and it’s totally worth it.

As I am still, I think about the fatigue, the chaos and the guilt.  “Mom, you’re doing a great job”, her simple words made me think a lot and also release the guilt.  Wow, this total stranger sees that in me?

I give myself permission to take time for me.  I lock the master bedroom door, and the master bathroom door, and sit in a hot, fabulous bath.  Nora Jones is playing and I am sipping on fermented grape juice.  Just a simple 15 minutes of this.  Guess what, no guilt.  I can be the mom I want to be and not rip off anyone’s head for leaving shoes next to the closet. 

Ladies, let’s continue to build each other up.  Tell a mom she’s doing a great job.  Give yourself permission to take a time out for you.  Tell Satan to keep his guilt he throws at us.  I am still tired.    As you know, mommin’ ain’t easy.  It’s a beautiful, exhausting task. 

I joined Momsanity a few years ago for the awesome workouts, but have significantly grown in faith and found freedom to join moms who really get it.  Thank you for being with me on my faith journey.  Thank you for your words of affirmation. Having a community of women who support each other has been amazingly refreshing for me.  Ladies I‘ve never met, some of you who post on my comments, and let me tell you, I appreciate that more than I can say.  This group has made such a positive impact in my life, beyond any expectation. 

Post your Pinterest fail, snap a shot of your laundry in a pile, share that you didn’t put on deodorant.   And for goodness sake, take time out without guilt.   (and please remind me to do so)