by Coach Debbie

I’m a mom of 4 rambunctious boys.  When strangers approach us in stores with, “Are they all yours?” I often answer, “Only on good days.” 

I have yet to have my act together as a mom.  Let me be very clear that I am no expert.  I’m only 12 years into the parenting adventure and I barely know how to mother the four creatures I own.

This is not about mom bragging, mom judgment or mom comparison.  This is a fun perspective on what we are guilty of.  So have some fun OR ELSE.

Here’s a quick rundown of the 12 Highly Effective Habits of Annoying Moms.  You all KNOW them, and perhaps you ARE one!   See, I told you we’d have fun!

1.    Writing Facebook posts that are directed to your children.  “Johnny, I sure would like to start sleeping through the night if you could help me out.”  Your children do not have a Facebook account.  They will never see this.  Tell them in person instead. 

2.    Sideline coaching.  When you feel the need, from the side of the field or court, to “help” the coach remind your child how to play the sport.  “Ref, that was a foul and you know it and I’m going to tell all the other parents too!”  I mean, a scholarship is at stake!!!  Instead, post on Facebook that you really want your child to sleep through the night.

3.    Packing your kids’ lunches.   Guidance and support, yes.  Packing their lunches for them, no.  Are they truly incapable of throwing an apple into their lunchbox?  Are you handicapping them?  Once they’re 18, they need to know they can throw an apple into their lunch without your help (unless you want them to live in your basement for life).  “But it’s because I looooove them.”  Great, cook breakfast and dinner for them.

4.    Restaurant tantrums.  Other patrons can only tolerate unruly children for so long.  We know they arch their back in the high chair; no problem.  We know they get restless waiting for their eats.  However, no one wants to hear 10 minutes of screaming, even fellow mothers.  On date nights, I ask the restaurant host to seat us away from families.  Make it stop.  Take them to the bathroom or car to help the entire population.

5.    Publicly Punishing your child in a crazy rampage.  Yelling, pulling up a kid by the arm, or swatting wildly makes us feel awkward.  Your kids will reveal things inside of you that you never knew existed, yet putting that on display makes us all tempted to call the cops.  Stay cool.

6.    Sharing potty-training play-by-play woes.  No one is celebrating potty-training with you; if those people exist in your circle, text them.  The general public isn’t wondering how things are exiting your child. 

7.    Speaking for your children, like you’re a ventriloquist.  As a former teacher, parents answered for their child at Open House.  Do these kids truly not know their names or their age?!  Let there be a weird pause of silence so that your young cub learns to communicate.

8.    Helicopter Parenting.  Wipe every crumb.  Arrange the toys just so.  Hover constantly.  It teaches your kid they’re incapable.  Your need to control demonstrates lack of control.  “Annie, we don’t go down slides on our bellies, no no no.”  Let them go down the slide on their belly; that’s how I would do it.   Allow grace, permit mistakes. 

9.    Inconsistency.  Empty threats, manipulation…the kids pick up on this.  Do you mean what you say and say what you mean?  Is there follow-through?  Do you count to 3:  1, 2, 2 and a half.  Clear rules and clear emotions, like a cop writing a speeding ticket.  “Mommy will be so sad if you don’t put on your shoes.”—that’s nonsense.

10.  Giving your child’s age in weeks.  When you say your child is 19 weeks old, no one understands what that means.  After 12ish weeks, let’s graduate to MONTHS.  We know you just left 40ish weeks of pregnancy and you deserved every single one of those numbers.  But when you must inform us that your precious is 23 weeks old, you’ve lost us.

11.  Everything is soooooo wonderful.  My baby is a future president.  She learned to read at age 1.  He will probably model.   My child is perfect and precious…we all know better.  Motherhood is brutal and exhausting.     It comforts moms when we are real.  If you’ve googled boarding schools, share that!

12.  Martyr mom.  The selfless woe-is-me mom.  Do you call your husband “Daddy” 24/7 instead of by his actual name when speaking to him?  Do you refuse to take date nights?  Do you deny me time?  You need to escape from people who are under 4 feet tall.  I will freaking babysit for you, for crying out loud.  Take a trip alone with that man who stole your heart—take it from a widow!  Lower the bar instead of filling every day with kid stuff.  Lock the kids outside and watch TV.  Get a babysitter.  Do things YOU like.

What would YOU add to the list?  We'd love to hear!