by Coach Debbie

Too many moms are getting lame flowers and cheap candy for Mother’s Day.  It’s bonkers.  We are woken up at dawn to eat Cheerios with olives that our 5 year old made for us.  We love the title of Mommy but we sometimes need a freaking breather already.  Instead of taking the whole family out for a really special brunch (which will end with kids throwing food and complaining that the French toast is taking too long), how about things change?  What if we could get what we want, what we need, what we deserve this Mother’s Day!  I’ve been in the parenting business since 2004 but I have heard a lot of mom friends vent and complain that their special day was actually a frustrating headache.

Here is my list of 14 things that (many) moms really and truly want this (and every) Mother’s Day. 

You may want to print this and make several copies and tape them strategically around the house.  Write on each copy in red ink how many days remain until Mother’s Day.

1. We want Mother’s Day to be celebrated on the day before. Not on a Sunday, but on a Saturday. Rushing around to get to church is not ideal. We are willing to have the legal Sunday holiday uncelebrated in exchange.
2. We want you to get out of the house and leave us alone. All of you. Even the baby. And the dog. Heavenly peace need not be just for Baby Jesus.
3. We want to be unconscious. Maybe for a 20 minute nap, maybe for a 4 hour nap, definitely to sleep past 9:00am. If this does not occur, prepare for a redo.
4. We want Mr. Clean in full effect. Do all the housework so we could eat off the floors. Starting the dishwasher or washing machine does not get anyone points; there should not be a dish in sight and laundry must be put away to count. This will need to occur on Friday as no one is to be occupying the residence on our Mother’s Day Saturday.
5. We want to be queen for a day. We’re willing to get out of our sweatpants for a 90 minute massage. Since we’re already at the spa appointment made for us, we might as well take care of all 20 nails too. We miss being relaxed and ladylike. 10 gold stars if champagne has been arranged.
6. We want The Hangover Mobile (see my other blog post) to be crumb-free and not smell like spoiled milk. Think twice before having our “servants” (aka kids) attempt this task.
7. We want the fridge filled. Going to the grocery store rivals the fun factor of renewing our driver’s license. Take the kids, take a list, take your time. Do not return at any point on Saturday to unload these items; no one is permitted on the property for the duration of our day.
8. We want to take off our chef hat. Cooking gets old. Really old. Know the favorites, make it happen. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, chocolate, wine. Note: do not do a cutesy breakfast in bed at 7:00am with the kiddos to show love. We smile on the outside and frown on the inside because real life is nothing like a 22 second commercial.
9. We want the projects done. Fix the fence for crying out loud. Make the toilet stop running. Change the oil in the Hangover Mobile. It improves the chance for nooky.
10. We want Hallmark in our hands. Show some effort and prove that the homemade card was crafted well in advance (no wet glue allowed). Tell us how freaking amazing we are.
11. We want a man with a plan. We want the night to end with bliss. That leaves 2 options. Option 1: a date night where the sitter is arranged by someone other than us. Option 2: a hotel for us alone or us plus our baby maker. Hotels are fabulous.
12. We want to be asked what we really truly want. There’s a 1% chance our answer involves petals. If we answer, “I don’t want or need anything,” we’re jaded. Step it up.
13. We want to go shopping for our favorite thing. Be “in the know” enough to realize if that’s makeup, clothes, shoes, bags, candy, or an Amazon Prime membership. Get a gift card to spare a future exchange.
14. We want opportunity. Whether it’s reading a book or watching a chick flick. For Mother’s Day we will not negotiate on the following: eating while seated, peeing alone, drinking very hot coffee from a real mug, wiping only our own butt, wearing clothes that don’t stink of children’s bodily fluids, and having no contact with tantrums or whining. Give us a chance to just be a non-mom and feel refreshed.

What would you add to the list?