God works in amazing ways!  Natalie and I go way back.  She dated my  Uncle Adam who is 5 years older than me in high school.   She was a cute cheerleader with pretty hair that I admired from far away.  Fast Forward 20 years… while both of us were in our tiny home town of Oakland, MD a few weeks back we just “happened” to run into each other at the local gym.  Natalie has recently found a passion for fitness and we had become reacquainted online about the blessing of being able to bridge faith and fitness.  However,I had NO idea that her family had suffered the tragedy of losing a child a year ago today.  While Natalie shared with me her story- her eyes sparkled- she was alive and loving life- I saw that joy in her that only God can ignite.  She is alive in Christ and through her tragedy her faith has come alive.  Her strength is commendable and we are so appreciative for the opportunity to share her story.  Please take the time today to say a quick prayer for Natalie as her family celebrates and mourns their angel!  Blessings to you Natalie!  Thank you for being so brave and faithful!  You can follow Natalie on Facebook (and offer words of encouragement) Here. -Emily

Here it is middle of August already, the time has flown by and yet at the same time I felt this day would never come. I guess, I secretly had hoped it wouldn’t. You see, this week will bring a very hard but special day in our family. It will be one year ago that Brian and I had an angel. Our son, Mac Bryson, was stillborn August 17, 2012.

I have given this a lot of thought and decided to step outside of my comfort zone and share some of our story in hopes that it may help others. One of the many things we have learned over this year is that there is a quietness associated with stillborns. It is something that as a society, community and even within our own families we do NOT talk about. I can tell you before Mac, I would have had no clue as to how to comfort someone in this situation and I would likely be just as silent as the rest of the world.

Many loved ones stay silent due to not knowing what to say. They are fearful of causing us more pain, afraid of saying the wrong thing and a few even naively unaware of the big impact his little life has had on us. This silence is meant to save us from hurt but, it can actually be a paralyzing part of this grief.

As the Mommy of an angel, I can tell you the silence surrounding me is deafening. There are times when I just want to scream his name or have a memory to share but, I don’t have that memory and the mere mention of his name can bring me to tears. So you see, I can understand why it would seem the best thing would be to go on in silence. I am stepping up in hopes to break that silence and saying instead lets talk about that beautiful baby and say his name.

Let us celebrate the time he was here and recognize that as his parents we did know him. His little heart was beating strong and we had big plans for him. The very moment we learned we were having a baby we made room in our hearts and our lives for Mac Bryson. I felt him moving and very much alive inside of me. I watched with amazement as my belly grew as he did.

Even before we could have had the chance to meet him face to face, he was showing us his personality. For example, he was very particular with how I positioned myself during the end of my pregnancy. He kicked and pushed when he wanted me to adjust positions. Being that I am not a very tall woman it didn’t leave much room for my little Mac and he let me know it too!

Wow, that boy could kick. I remember telling my O.B. that he actually took my breath away with one of those kicks. No Joke, the little guy knocked the air right out of me. I remember letting out this loud sound as one of his little feet landed the perfect kick knocking all the air right out of me. It was so loud, it woke Brain up and that is when I told Brian I was thinking our little guy would be a soccer player. I wanted to prepare by husband  Brian because he is more of a football kind of guy. Every evening I looked forward to laying in bed and watching him get situated. My belly would dance at night with all of his best moves. It never failed as I was wanting to sleep, he was wanting to stretch and move around.

I am thankful I enjoyed those moments because they have turned into treasured memories. I would giggle when I would roll from one side to the other and he would have to wiggle around and find that comfy position all over again. I imagined him getting so aggravated having no control over how I moved around trying to get comfortable myself. I had a nightly chat with my growing boy and I would tell him “Okay Mac, I get it. Mommy made you lose your snugly spot but Mommy needs to be comfy too. We need to work together little one.” so, you see, Mac Bryson was very much a part of the family already.

Brian and I knew him, had daily conversations with him and at night we would place our hands on my belly and feel he was very much alive and thriving. My son Hagen would even want to feel his baby brother move and kick. The look on his face when Mac would kick was precious. Even more precious is when he would get as close as he could to my belly and talk to his baby brother. He would tell Mac about the wrestling matches they would once he was big enough. He couldn’t wait to meet his brother.

I know this is hard to talk about because it can be so sad to think of all we do not have but…how about we talk about what we did have and what we have now because of this beautiful little angel. Next time you see Hagen ask him if he thinks it is cool he has an angel as a brother or just ask him what he thinks about his brother being in heaven. He will be beaming with joy and tell you how when he meets his brother in heaven they will play and play to make up for time lost. He does have one request and that is that God will allow them to be the same age, both 5 years old he says because kids have more fun than adults.

As for me, I will tell you although I am not rushing it by any means, I do imagine the day I get to meet my baby boy and hear him call out for me as he runs towards me for our first embrace. He will have my arms wrapped around him so very tight and I don’t think I will ever let him go. I can’t wait to see what color his eyes are and to see if he still has darker hair than his brother and sister. This brings me to the biggest blessing this year has brought with it…faith.

It is true worry ends where faith begins. Faith has allowed me to be joyful when I tell my story of Mac, my son in heaven. You may even see a sparkle in my eye and without faith I could not have this. I have peace and I know his death was not the last chance I would have to meet my boy. It is not the end. I have an eternity waiting for him and I. Faith has also allowed me to recognize the blessings God has given us both big and small.

I have a wonderful husband to share my life with and two beautiful kids here with us. Brian has a wonderful job. He goes to work everyday enjoying his job and the people he works with. Hagen and Suzie are great kids with compassion in their hearts and lots of spunk (one more than the other lol). Hagen starts Kindergarten this week! I have found a passion for getting fit and healthy. I now have an outlet and supportive gym family in addition to my family and friends. God really is good to us and has blessed us with more than we deserve.

I want to share one more thing then will wrap it up, I promise! When I was visiting my hometown I was able to spend time with my niece and nephew. I loved every second of it but there is one moment in particular that forever touched my heart. My nephew, Tripp, was having lunch with me when he told me the reason he loved Big Macs was because they reminded him of Mac. Tears ran down my cheeks as I gave that awesome kiddo a big hug. You have no idea how just hearing him say Mac’s name touched me. Thank you Tripp Nicholas, I love you for that special moment.
I realized through our loss that Brian and I are sadly not alone. Stillbirth happens more than we realize. I want us to be okay with talking about our baby angels. They do matter and there is not ONE day that goes by that I do not think of Mac. Not one day. I know I still have a long road ahead but I can say we are okay. We are sad sometimes more than others but we are okay. As Brian says it is a road we have never been down and we have no idea how to navigate this grief. It is usually the silliest thing I still struggle with like when asked how many children do I have, what should say and what do I call this day coming up his angel day, angel birthday or his special day….I have no idea.
Please don’t take away sadness from this. Do not feel sorry for us, there are others truly suffering that have far more tragedy in their lives. My hope is that this message will allow you to be more comfortable with parents of a stillborn. That this will help you understand just because a baby did not take a breath does not mean he didn’t leave his parents breathless when he left. This grief is real and should not be discounted based on lack of time the baby spent here on earth. Let me leave you with this…If you know of anyone going through this reach out, even if it makes you uncomfortable. A hug, hand on their shoulder, the mention of a name, a wink or a nice card seems like a small gesture but it will mean so very much. It may bring them to tears but don’t let that stop you from reaching out. They need that no matter how strong they seem. Some of my most treasured and touching moments didn’t have words.

I would love it if as we celebrate Mac’s anniversary we could also remember other babies born still. If you have a angel and are comfortable please share their name and “special day” in the comments. Prayers welcome always welcomed.