YOU ASKED…THEY ANSWERED!

Sex Within Marriage responded to LOTS of Momsanity’s questions about marital intimacy.

Jay Dee writes, with his wife, Christina, at www.SexWithinMarriage.com, a blog dedicated to discussing married sexuality within the Christian life.  Jay also is a Christian marriage coach, practicing at www.anonymousmarriagecoaching.com, catering to couples who are struggling to get to the next level in their marriage.  Jay and Christina have been married for 13 years and have 5 children, whom they home-school.  Their mission in life is to help others improve their lives by implementing biblical guidance into daily living.

Be sure to check out Part 2 and Part 3 of Q&A!

* This is a LONG article–be sure to have the time to get through it to have your marriage transformed!*

Hello to the Project MomSanity community!  It’s been a pleasure to see your questions come in.  So many good, honest questions, and I’m going to do my best to answer them, based on what I see in my own marriage, in the marriages of couples I’ve dealt with in my coaching practice, what little I know of psychology, and what I know of the Bible.  I feel I should have a bit of a disclaimer though.  I’m not a pastor, doctor, therapist or counselor.  My studies are all the studies of a lay person who happens to spend a lot of time researching and talking to people about marriage and sex.  As such, everything should be taken as my opinion on the subject, and you will have to form, and be responsible for your own opinions.  I believe my role is to try and give you as much information as I can, so that you can make informed decisions and plans.

As well, these are answers given without a lot of context and without being able to ask for more information.  I’ve done my best to infer and guess to fill in the blanks, but if you want to ask any follow up questions, feel free to email me.

 

Also, if you sent in a question, I urge you to read all the answers.  There was a lot of overlap and someone elses answer might help you.  If you didn’t submit a question, I still think reading them all through can be helpful and eye opening.  It might give you some ideas for your own marriage.

 

Finally, some of these answers might bring more questions.  If you are interested in some marriage coaching, to help work out some step by step plans for how to implement changes in yourself, or your marriage, with the same anonymity you have enjoyed in this exchange, feel free to visitAnonymousMarriageCoaching.com.  If you’re interested in signing up, I’m offering the MomSanity community a 25% discount by using the coupon code MOMSANITY if you sign up before the end of February.  For those in the MomSanity Sisterhood, check there for an even bigger discount.

We’ve had to break the answers into three post due to the number of questions and the length of the answers, so if you don’t see yours, check the other posts, if they’ve already been posted, or wait for them them to be, it shouldn’t be long.  Now, on with the your questions, and my answers!

Question #1

I am not turned on sexually by my husband anymore. How do I get that back? I know some of it has to do with some sexual immorality before marriage and sexual images I have let linger in my mind. I feel like a bad wife because I desperately want that close intimate relationship with him but my body seems to tense up every time we get close to having sex and I get really anxious and usually make up an excuse as to why we can’t….but I dont want to do that :/

I would agree, probably some of it has to do with the stuff before marriage.  I think God counsels us wisely to wait until marriage to have sex, because sex all of a sudden changes the dynamic of the relationship.  It’s exciting and it releases all these chemicals into our body, in particular oxytocin and dopamine.  Oxytocin is a hormone that we call the “bonding hormone”.  It’s what makes you feel safe, secure and connected to your spouse.  Dopamine is the “reward hormone”.  It makes you feel like you accomplished something, it gives you rush, and its highly addictive.

So, when you have sex before marriage, you artificially raise the marriage up a new level by getting this rush of hormones.  You feel safe and secure, and it’s exciting and you feel this reward hormone in your system.  And your relationship can stand on this…for a time.  But, it’s not permanent.  Our relationships were intended to be built upon trust, intimacy, vulnerability and sharing the adventure of life together.  Add sex to that, and it’s an amazing thing.  But, adding sex when that doesn’t exist…is building a house on the sand as it were.  Eventually, the sand will wash away, and you will have no foundation.

What happens, in a lot of cases, is that the relationship gets boosted by this early sexual relationship, it lasts for a while (sometimes even years), and then the dopamine doesn’t quite have the same effect.  It’s not as exciting any more.  There’s no shared adventure.  No intimacy.  No vulnerability.  Suddenly you don’t feel quite as attracted to your spouse anymore.  As well, you’re used to the idea that you need to be “in the mood” in order to have sex.  So, you have less sex, which causes less Oxytocin to be produced, which in turn makes you feel less bonded, and the cycle continues spiraling down.

So, what do you do about it?  I would consider a two-pronged attack.  First, understand that most women don’t get “in the mood” without some sort of large dopamine or oxytocin boost.  Most women tend to have more reactive sex drives.  What does that mean?  You could stop saying no, and instead say yes.  See if your body will respond.  If you’re having trouble, you could ask for a back massage to help you transition.  Or, if you feeling more committed, sometimes my wife just says “I think you’re just going to have to jump me”, by which she means, “I’m not really in the mood, but I know I’ll get there, so, let’s just skip foreplay and jump to sex, and I’ll catch up.”  Then try to focus on it.  Focus on the feelings, on the touch, kisses, sounds, whatever.  My wife says it helps her sometimes to narrate in her head what’s happening.  It helps her brain not jump to the dishes, laundry or a grocery list (yeah, I know it happens).

 When you have sex, and you enjoy it, you will get a nice little dopamine boost again, which will help train your brain into wanting it more.  More sex typically leads a higher drive, more arousal, and more attraction.  Unfortunately, our world tells us the opposite, that you need to be attracted first, then aroused, then have sex.  That’s more likely your husbands pattern, but for many women, theirs happens in reverse.  Have sex, get aroused, be more attracted.

The second thing is to work on the rest of the marriage.  Marriage is holistic.  Sex doesn’t happen by itself, irrespective of the rest of your marriage, particularly for women (men tend to be a bit better at compartmentalizing it).  So, if you want to be more attracted to your husband, to want sex more, you need to grow the rest of the marriage.  And that’s harder to do.  I mean, sex you can buckle down and just do it (though I understand that’s not always too easy either).  But you can’t just decide to “do” other kinds of  intimacy.  It takes work, it takes time. It takes opening up, being real and vulnerable.  You need to have deeper conversations about your hopes, dreams, fears, beliefs, etc..  One way that might speed up this part is to have conversations about you sex life.  If you like I have a PDF on my site with 37 questions for spouses to ask each other about sex.  It might help jump start your emotional as well as physical intimacy.

My advice is always to communicate.  So in your situation, I would suggest being open with your husband.  Tell him you are having trouble getting in the mood (maybe don’t tell him directly that you aren’t turned on by him, that might be more of a blow than he can handle).  Tell him you might need some help, but that you are committed to the marriage and to making sex great again.

Also, you may want to work through that prior sexual immorality you spoke of.  When I saw this comment, I wrote a post called Is my married sex life ruined because I had sex before marriage on dealing with premarital sex after you are married.  It may be of benefit to you.

Question #2

Basically I have zero desire to have sex. Ever. We had sex but I never really felt like we made love. He is the only person I have been with so I really have nothing to compare my experiences to, but sex to me is blah and a chore. It always has been. I can have an orgasm through touching and foreplay but I don’t think I have had one through intercourse. I feel no desire to be with my husband intimately at all. I don’t know if it is the years of bad sex that have tainted my view or if it is me and that I have underlying issues with the way I view sex (dirty, controlling, a chore). I don’t ever remember being taught that it was dirty, or raised to think badly about it, but I don’t like to talk about it. I have two sisters and neither one seems to feel this way about sex. I get uncomfortable when people talk about sex toys, different positions, etc. I have no desire to try any of that. It is obviously hurting our marriage a lot. I do have sex because I know it is important to him, but I hate it. I never initiate it myself and I know that hurts him. I feel so badly for my husband that I do not desire him in the way a wife should. I love everything else about him but almost have a friendship-type love for him. I guess my question is if there is hope for this ever changing? I pray every day that I will wake up and desire him. We have been to couples counseling and I have been to individual counseling but nothing ever seems to change. We are at a dead end. Advice or help would be much appreciated. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart! 

That’s a difficult place to be in.  I have a ton of questions that I can’t really get answers to in order to try and help.  I don’t have a one-size-fits all answer.  But, I can throw some stuff at the wall and see what sticks, if that’s okay.

It could be psychological, which deals with issues you have in your past: childhood, your struggles with your husband, etc..  This requires a therapist to go through with you, I’m afraid I’m not qualified to diagnose or treat something like this.  My understanding is that treatment is basically exploring what might have caused this, and addressing it, not running away or ignoring it. 

It could be hormonal.  If you have a hormone imbalance, depression, or a host of other medical syndromes, disorders, etc..  Could be diet related, weight related, menopause, sleep deprivation, medication side effect, etc, etc..  These require a medical doctor to diagnose, and again, I’m not qualified to offer a diagnosis.

It could be relational. This is more my area.  If you were a coaching client, we’d spend time trying to ascertain what your current reality is (much of which is included in your question), and what your goal is (again, your question has a good start).  Then, we work on what the difference is, and work together to come up with a plan to close the gap, pre-addressing any obstacles we might see getting in the way.  I’ve mentioned on one of the other questions about the 37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex.  This might also help clear up some of the issues, and help you talk about the subject with your husband, without the need for a counselor.

It could be spiritual. While you don’t remember being taught incorrectly, it was obviously still ingrained in you somehow.  You said sex feels dirty, controlling, and a chore.  You have said you feel a duty to acquiesce sexually to your husband, but nowhere do you mention believing that God created it to be a joy for both spouses.  I think I’d recommend that you read the book Intimacy Ignited.  It’s designed as a small group study, but there is no reason you couldn’t do it with your husband.  It is an exploration of Song of Solomon, and it might help you to realize God’s intent for sex within marriage.

But, I don’t think your heart is broken…it seem to be in the right place.  You desperately want to be a wife than can fulfill her husband sexually, as well as the other aspects of marriage.  I think your heart is just fine.  So, should you give up hope?  No.  I don’t think you should ever give up hope…sometimes we need to shift what we’re hoping for a bit though (See When do I give up hope?).  Maybe your expectations aren’t realistic.  Sometimes women think they need to feel this driving need like most men do, but women’s sex drives aren’t quite geared the same way.  I’d be curious to know if sex ever feels good, physically.  You say it’s blah and a chore, but your history and beliefs about sex may be largely influencing that.  You can orgasm from foreplay (many many women don’t orgasm from intercourse, that’s not abnormal), so I would guess that some part of you feels pleasure and arousal during foreplay.

Like I said, so many questions, and without answers, I’m sort of stumbling around blind.  If you want to discuss it more, feel free to email me .  I’d be more than happy to help try and sort some things out with you.  Maybe at least narrow down a direction for you to work in.

Question #3

What happens when I have no libido? I’ve asked my doctor and he blames it on having kids but the problem is that I have never had a sex drive. I used to enjoy messing around but the actual act of intercourse is not something I crave. I know my husband gets his feelings hurt by this. What can I do?

The best answer I can give for this, to be honest, is to check out Bonnie’s blog over at Pearl’s Oysterbed. It’s a Christian blog devoted to helping women with low (or no) libido. She has 52 week sex drive transformation program for $6. Sounds like it might be worth the risk. I haven’t tried it myself (being a high drive husband), but I hear good things.

Question #4

Why is it I feel that my husband is being selfish and all he wants is to use me to “get off”, while he insists it’s for that “emotional connection”? We’ll have a “quickie”, where it’s all about him simply because I have nothing left at the end of the day to give and can’t go there. When I tell him this and he insists he has to have sex, I offer a quickie, but sometimes later resent this because I feel used. He’ll say he was all worked up and just had to have me, so I feel guilty not giving in as a wife. It’s a constant struggle.

Okay, so just to put this in black and white (because that’s how I think):

• Your husband wants to have sex (he says to reconnect)
• You offer a quickie
• You are upset that you just had a quickie and didn’t get to orgasm (I’m inferring)

So, in short, #3 occurred because of #2, which was your suggestion.

1. Can I offer an alternative?
2. Your husband wants to have sex (he says to reconnect)
3. You agree, but express that you are exhausted, so would appreciate a backrub and some foreplay to help get you worked up so you can orgasm as well
4. Your husband gets to feel you naked while you get to enjoy something that helps you feel reconnected (a massage)

Then you have awesome sex that’s “for both of you"

Oh, and an extra tip:  Get something like a We Vibe and have it going during the massage.  It might help speed up the arousal process.  I have … some success with this (is that TMI?  I’m trying to be helpful without being titillating.  Excuse me if I misstep, please).

Also, I invite you to read my post All you want is sex it might help you understand your husband’s need to feel connected.  Oh, and Is sex a need or a want.  I’ve gotten a lot of emails from wives saying these posts have shifted their perspective and changed their marriage. 

Question #5

Is a decrease in libido normal as you age? Is it different between men and women? What age does it typically begin? How do you compensate – especially if one is slowing down, and your spouse is not?

I have not yet done an extensive study on this topic I’m afraid.  However, some of the material I’m reading suggests that if you are healthy, fit, well hydrated and your nutrition is balance that sex drive can remain constant, even increase with age, even through perimenopause and after menopause.

I’m starting to get a lot of questions about this, particularly regarding menopause, so I’ve started reading on the topic (this week actually).  My wife thinks it’s a bit funny (as in funny strange, not funny ha ha) that I’m reading a book on menopause and sex…but that’s what happens when you have a blog about married sex…

As for what age libido slowing down occurs…it depends.  If it’s related to perimenopause, the average age is 52, though the range is something like 40 to 58…so, that’s quite the age range where menopause could be starting to play with your hormones.

I’ve also noticed in my own surveys that around the 4-7 year into marriage, there is a significant decrease in sexual activity in most marriages.  I’m guessing this has to do with the introduction of children, of life becoming “real”.  You have a lot more responsibility, and stress is a mood killer.

Is it different between men and women.  I would think so.  The hormone makeup of the sexes is radically different and so we respond to seasons in life, stress, diet, etc., all differently.  However, if you are healthy, fit, food is balanced, well hydrated, and live a balanced life, I believe that your sex drive doesn’t need to diminish.

That said, I think libido is often misunderstood in women.  Our culture pushes the idea that you should be begging for sex with your spouse (well, society says “partner”), and if you are not, then either you don’t love them, or something is wrong.  That you shouldn’t have sex unless you’re already aroused.  I don’t think this is the case.  As I mentioned in a previous question’s answer, the arousal cycle tends to be different for women than for men.

Women tend to have more of a responsive arousal pattern, whereas men tend to have more of a proactive one.  Men get this physical discomfort (as well as feeling emotionally “unbonded” and thus unloved) if they don’t have regular sex.  There is a physical pressure that builds up, but also a hormonal depletion (in oxytocin) that occurs when sex isn’t frequent.  Women produce oxytocin in vast quantities compared to men (you have about 7 times the level than your husband,  if I recall the stat).  The only time men even come close to having as much oxytocin you do is when he has an orgasm (it jumps to 11 times his normal, again, if I recall correctly).  But, that bleeds off fairly quickly.  So, he has this need to get oxytocin, which makes him feel bonded to you, safe, secure, loved.

But women don’t really have this need.  You produce oxytocin just fine.  Most women don’t feel physical discomfort if they haven’t had sex in a while.  Your arousal pattern tends to be more reactive.  If you are turning down your husband for sex because you “aren’t in the mood”, you are missing out!  The vast majority of women get in the mood fairly quickly once sex starts.  You brain will likely follow your body.  So long as you are able to get aroused once sex starts, I think your libido is probably just fine.

But, your brain is a trainable thing, which is really cool.  Many people don’t realize you can reprogram your brain through behavior.  If you want to want to have sex more … then have sex more.  Train your brain to know that you like it, and it will want it more!  One of the biggest turning points in our marriage, when my wife decided she was not going to say “no” to sex anymore, was a 7 days of sex challenge.  She proposed it.  Sex everyday, for 7 days.  Our mutual concern was that she wouldn’t be able to do it.  We were wrong.  We had sex 10 days in a row.  Then took a one day break and did another 12 I think.  Her body started expecting sex, looking forward to it.  You can retrain your sex drive, but, it takes being intentional about it.

If you said to your husband “I want to retrain my brain to want more sex, are you willing to come to bed a bit earlier every night for a week?”, I think most husbands would be on board for that.

Question #6

I am struggling with a very low sex drive in our marriage and I don’t know how to improve it.

After the birth of our son (one one year ago) I had an absolutely terrible time postpartum. Internal and external stitches, and I really could not walk comfortably for about three months. I definitely did not want anybody down there for a long time, but I knew my husband missed me and wanted to be close again, so we would try. It was extremely painful and we never got far. I was reminded of the trauma I experience after giving birth each time and I just didn’t want him to touch me. Physically I knew something was wrong (I was also having incontinence issues) so I decided to see a pelvic floor therapist who was very helpful. Slowly we started trying to have sex again, and now things are almost back to normal (I’m not sure they ever will be totally normal again!).

Even though my body feels like it’s back the mental trauma of birth is still interfering with allowing myself to completely relax when my husband touches me down there. And I’ve refused him so many times now that he’s slowly stopped even asking for sex. I’m struggling with guilt and I want to makes this better. So how can I?

Sex is different after every pregnancy.  You have to re-establish normal every time.  We’re expecting baby #5 this week, so I’ve had to relearn my wife’s body, what arouses her, what feels good and what doesn’t 4 times already (and expecting a fifth time).  Don’t expect things to be the way they were before.  That’s okay, it’s normal.  Instead, find out what’s new and good.  Somethings won’t feel as good, but others will suddenly be so much better than they were.  Take the time to find them.  Ask your husband to explore, and then give him feedback.

Anyways, on to the main question.  How do you get over the mental trauma.  This may require a therapist to help with.  It’s definitely outside of my coaching training, but I can offer an idea that you may want to consider. 

Firstly, as I’ve said above, your brain is a trainable computer.  Due to your trauma, it has learned that sex hurts, and is scary.  It is possible to retrain it to think that sex is fun, feels great and is awesome.  But, the only way to do that is to have sex that is fun, feels great and is awesome.  And that’s impossible if you aren’t having sex. 

So, how do you have sex without feeling like you are going to jump out of your skin.  Maybe try baby steps.  Ask your husband if he would be willing to experiment with you.  He has to promise that he won’t push for sex, and you will promise that you will work towards making sex not only possible, but awesome again.  Be clear that the first night, you are not having sex (though if you want to “help him out” in some way, feel free).  Sorry, this is going to get a bit descriptive…but I don’t know how else to suggest this. 

Get him to give you a massage (naked, and don’t forget either massage oil or coconut oil, which is our favorite).  I don’t think a husband should object to getting to touch his naked wife … even if he can’t jump to his favorite parts.  Get him to go slow.  Spent a lot of time on neck, shoulders, move down your back. (should take him at least 10 minutes).  Then start at your feet and work up your legs, and finally start massaging your … well, butt.   Again, slow.  It should take him at least 10 minutes to get there from your feet. 

Getting your butt massaged feels … well, it feels great.  There are a lot of nerve endings.  It’s close enough to “down here” (as you said) to get your brain comfortable with the idea of being in the area, but not so close as to make you tense up (hopefully).  If you do tense, it’s okay.  Not the end of the world.  Focus on relaxing, on enjoying your husband’s touch.  Remember, you’re going for progress, not perfection.

If that’s all you can handle day 1, that’s still progress.  Ask him to do it again until you feel completely comfortable and safe. 

Then, have him move a little closer to “down there” at the end of the massage.  Start massaging the insides of your thighs, brushing, but not really rubbing your labia (sorry, “down there” wasn’t specific enough anymore).

Again, have him do this until you feel more comfortable.

Then, just keep going, move from brushing, to massaging, to … well, inserting (just a bit, like teasing), then more.  Progress more and more each time.  Step whenever you feel uncomfortable.  It may take some time depending on how ingrained this trauma is.  Your husband needs to know this could take time, and its going to frustrate him.  He’s man, he can handle it, for a time.  I think he’ll be happy that you’re trying.

Anyways, the whole key is to slowly retrain your brain to accept this type of touch again.  Remember, even if you make no progress in a night, that doesn’t mean you aren’t helping to retrain your brain.  Baby steps count.

Also, I’d strongly suggest stop saying “no”.  Instead, find alternatives to sex if sex is too much to handle.  I don’t know what our sexual repertoire includes, but there are many options that don’t involve intercourse: oral, manual, even just help him masturbate (I know, scary if you’ve never done it before, he’s going to feel weird about it too…but probably turned on as well). 

And pray about it.  Together.  Even if that’s awkward.

Question #7

When sex feels like another chore you need to check off your To-Do list of the day…is that an okay way to look at it biblically? Being a busy mom I just don’t want to do it whenever my husband does, but I know it’s important for our marriage. What is the right approach to this?

 

Now, that’s a loaded question, isn’t it?  Is it okay to look at it biblically.  By that, I’m guessing you mean this passage:

 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. - 1 Corinthians 7:5

I think this passage is amazing.  It flat out tells us that sex is a good thing and that no one spouse should control it, that if any spouse wants sex, it should be an option.  That said … I think it can be misunderstood if the rest of the Bible isn’t taken into context.

The Bible is full of rules, what you have to do, what you can’t do, what you should and shouldn’t do.  But, all these rules, regulations, laws and commandments are intended to point to an underlying concept: love.  That’s it.  That’s what the entire Bible is about if you break it down.  It’s showing us how much God loves us, and how to love Him, and other humans in return.

So, this Corinthians passage above, while I agree that it flat out says not to deprive your husband, I’m going to challenge you a bit here and say that it goes beyond that.  That sex is not supposed to be a duty or a task.  That not depriving your husband not only means of sex, but of invested sex, where you are an equal participant.  Lying down and saying “let’s get this over with” is, I think, as bad as saying “no”.  Why?  Because you aren’t really present.

 

So, how do you be present?  That’s the hard part.  I think there are a lot of things.  Firstly, I think a lot of marriages are stuck in a rut sexually.  They stopped exploring, they stopped trying things.  They are happily stuck in a comfortable rut.  Foreplay is always the same, sex is always the same, and the orgasm is always the same.  It’s not exciting anymore.  And I think women really thrive on adventure.  The trick is making your life that adventure, and it can be done, I believe.  And I get it.  Life can be an endless monotony of laundry, cooking and cleaning, forever organizing and taxiing.  We have 4 kids, a 5th on the way.  We homeschool and are leaders in our church.  Up until recently, my day to day job was as a software engineer.  I could live a very boring, dull life.

 But I don’t.  I look for adventure within our life.  I learn things I want to learn.  I play with the kids, constantly challenging them to think more, to be more, and I love to see them succeed, to grow, to learn.  Watching my 4 year old read a book at an agonizing pace is absolutely amazing…because my wife and I taught her to do that.  Even if we didn’t, we made that child.  That’s our kid.  And all of our kids do things every day that we can just stop and watch in awe and marvel.

Likewise with your spouse.  You have a choice daily to criticize, expect things of, or ignore, or you can choose see the amazing potential in them, and rejoice when they take a step towards it.  When my wife loses her keys, I could get mad, or I can just laugh and say “that’s my wife” and help her hunt for them.  And when it comes to bedtime, you can choose: am I going to have the same boring sex as last Friday, or am I going to knock his socks off and have mine knocked off in return?  I think you can choose to find adventure in your bedroom, find excitement that wakes you up and gives you some more energy.

I also think our lives are too busy.  I talk to many parents that are amazed that we don’t have our kids in sports, music and some other extracurricular activity, and then they say they don’t have time for their marriage.  I think a lot of marriages need to reprioritize.  Put their spouse back up above their kids, above TV, their phone, Facebook and apps.  Not saying you do this.  Just saying I see it a lot.  Add up how much time you spend watching TV or movies, reading books, on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Pinterest or playing Candy Crush, HayDay, or whatever your favorite mobile game is.  What would happen if you took half that time to take a nap and the other half to have some really amazing, energetic sex?

 

And for you Star Trek fans out there, I couldn’t resist:

Crewman Elizabeth Cutler: They don’t have movies where you come from, do they?

Dr. Phlox: Well, we had something similar a few hundred years ago, but they lost their appeal when people discovered their real lives were more interesting.

Find a way to make real life interesting again.  I think you can do it without sacrificing anything really important.  You may need to sacrifice some things that you are really attached to though…

Question #8

I have tried to think of a way to ask and now being the last day to ask, I am going to do my best to draft what I can and lets see if I convey my thoughts accurately…

I have been married for 13 years; I am 39 and my husband 52.  In the first few years of marriage all was well (relationship and sex life only a few struggles with children discipline from his children and ex-wife) and for the most part happy.  I worked full time and was in graduate school full time and mainly was the one who was able to provide transportation for the children to and from after school activities for our household.  Around the 3rd year, I discovered the man I married to have an alcohol problem (in addition to him being a pharmacist); however, I vowed to stay with him and continue to work towards better behavior.  In the 5th year of marriage, we had our first daughter (my first, his third) and I became a stay at home mom and continued to work full-time, while he continued to stay gainfully employed outside of the home as well.  I received little help with our daughters care because the view was although I worked, it was from home and could be the one to get up and care for our daughters needs since I did not have to “show up” at an office as long as I was able to get my work accomplished.  Some bitterness and anger began to settle in.  Due to constant child care responsibilities, nursing, and an over worked schedule; I really had no desire to be intimate or have sex…I simple was tired (I viewed it as another daunting task).  This continued on for several months until I thought, oh gosh, I do want another child and it is better to have another child by the same man rather than two baby daddy’s.  We both agreed that we wanted another child, I had not lost the baby weight although many efforts were made to lose the weight.  It took a toll on my self-image because I had always been active and work within the health and fitness industry.  Needless to say, it took us several months for me to get pregnant with my second child.  He had began to help with the older daughter, so now my focus was on the infant.  Again, I had another c-section and the desire to be intimate was just simply not there.  I maintained keeping one in preschool (9-12) and the other at home with me for a while; eventually at 8 months putting the second child in playschool for one morning a week.  At this point we now have been married 8 years and many things have taken a toll on our marriage.  I had moved into the other bedroom as when I got up in the middle of the night, I could not get back to sleep due to his snoring, and I had to function, I needed my sleep.  It was more important at that point than sleeping in the same bed and/or intimacy/sex. The bitterness and anger continue, we continue to see a Christian marriage counselor, but seeing no change in his behavior.  For our 10 year anniversary, we go to Florida Keys which I find out to be a “drunks” favorite town.  Needless to say, after the first two days there, I was ready to pack my bags up as I toured the town alone because he was over served and wanted to stay in bed. Not the 10 year anniversary, I had anticipated.  Shortly after, he confesses he had been drinking nightly on the way home from work and thus the ill behavior or the lack of participation in childcare in the evening when he arrived.  I was devastated, heartbroken.  I have been lied to for the last couple of years.  I then withdrew even farther and began to plan my life without him in it.  Needless to say, I ended up moving out of the house with the girls in tow, telling the girls we were planning to sell the house, which we were and I had always said I could not live in it and keep it in show condition.  I needed for him to make our relationship priority.  His actions needed to match his words. He quit his job and floundered and spent through our savings and begged for us to come back home.  After 10 months I had no choice but to move back in as we could not afford all our bills and I refused to ruin my credit because of his ill behavior. Meanwhile, he accused me of having an affair.

Needless to say our intimacy is low.  Our relationship over the last two years has slowly improved. We have really worked on communication and I have seen his efforts in his actions, but I really still have a hard time wanting to be sexually involved.  I don’t know if it is that I have low sex drive to begin with, the years of hurt I have not processed.  I want to be sexually attractive, I want to make the relationship work but just simply don’t know where/how to get back to that point.  He is a good man, when he wants to be… I would have not married him if he wasn’t.  He really does have “good” in his heart.  In October, his father passed away, and I think it has served as a wake-up call for him.  Since moving back home, we are sleeping in the same bed, although he (still) snores; we are still seeing the same Christian counselor whom we really like and respect.  We are doing more things as a family.  I really see his effort improving, but my desire is just lacking.  It has almost become a joke around the house… HELP!

I am sure I have left things out, not intentionally, but see what you can do with how I have outlined things for you. 

 

And breathe…

 

Wow, that is a lot of context.  It’s awesome.  So, just to point form this (which doesn’t in any way mean the context isn’t valuable):

Marriage was a mess
Marriage is getting better
Your desire to have sex hasn’t improved
I think that’s understandable, and I think it’s awesome that you realize that it’s not okay, even if it is understandable.  You’ve been dealt a series of betrayals in your marriage which has broken trust.  Sex is about intimacy and vulnerability, which requires trust.  It’s no wonder you don’t really have an interest in having sex with your husband, whom you are probably having trouble trusting.  That’s my guess anyways.

 So, how do you “fix” it?  I’d guess that you need to work on rebuilding trust.  So, how do you do that?  Well, there are two ways that I can see.

The first is to communicate more.  Talk about your worries, your fears, the things that are bothering you, as well as the good things, the improvements you see, the hope that you have for the marriage.  These are important things.  They share who you are with your spouse.  They build intimacy, vulnerability and trust.

 The second is well, to start having more sex.  This is a difficult one to suggest, because some people will think I’m saying “just suck it up and have sex”, but that’s not it.  It’s more about being intentional, about realizing how important it is to the marriage and understanding that it has a great benefit for both of

you.  Sex produces Oxytocin, which bonds you together, it adds a boost to feeling trusted and secure.  So, more sex can actually turn into more trust, which turns into wanting more sex.  Also, as I’ve said before, it’s quite likely you can get aroused once sex starts, you don’t have to be “in the mood” to get started.  If my wife isn’t in the mood, she simply says “I might need some help getting in the mood”.  Days like that, I know a back massage (that turns into a more intimate massage) will move her there fairly quickly.

Sorry my answer is shorter than your question.  I’d encourage you to read the other answers as well as there may be insights to help you.  There have been a lot of questions about increasing sexual drive, libido and intimacy, and their answers may help you. 

Question #9

How can I get out of a sexless marriage?  We’ve done counseling for years and it is killing me a little everyday.  There is lots of communication between us but still nothing changes.  I’m spent and am tired of hiding behind a facade. 

This is the hardest question I’ve ever been faced with.  It’s one I’ve been asked dozens of times, and even asked myself.  And even though I had a sexless marriage and we managed to change it into a thriving one… I don’t have an easy answer for you.

Actually, I’m currently trying to write a book to address this.  Because, I believe there is an answer… but it’s going to take me a couple hundred pages to answer it I think.  In the end the answer is simple: follow the Bible’s guidance for life.  The implications of that, how it plays out in marriage is infinitely complex and difficult.

But, I’d start with reading the Bible.  Pray more.  Find support partners.  Realize you aren’t alone.  Most people believe that men are always the higher drive spouse, but that’s not true.  My research shows that somewhere between ¼ and ⅓ of marriages have the wife as the higher drive spouse, and in about 1/10 marriages the husband is actively refusing sex on a regular basis.  Actually, I wrote a post touching on this called I want my husband to want me.

So, what do you do?  Focus on your relationship with God for now.  Find your strength in Him.  That’s the best advice I can give at this time.  Grow closer to God, and it may inspire your spouse.  At worst, you will learn “to be content in all circumstances”.  God willing, I’ll have a book that will help more in the next year.

Question #10

I do not feel good about my body. I have zero energy. I am working with the dr to try and resolve these issues which I have been told will take time. How do I help my husband understand the reasons above and not feel rejected. I know he is trying to be understanding but I feel it is starting to affect our relationship.

Yeah, it probably is starting to affect your relationship.  To answer your question…I’m not sure there is a way to help him not feel rejected.  That’s something he needs to decide all on his own, and he’s going to be fighting an uphill battle with that one.  For most men, our sense of self-value is closely tied to our sexual prowess (it’s not right, but it’s true).  Our self-confidence is largely affected by our sex-life (for good or bad).  So, helping him to understand (which just takes communicating about it) will probably help, but it may not stop it completely.

However, I want to encourage you to seek alternatives.  I get not feeling good about your body.  I received an anonymous question from a wife a couple years ago asking me if her husband still found her attractive, because she was convinced he did not, despite him telling her he did.

So, I ran a survey and wrote a post to answer her.  You can read it at Does my husband still find me attractive

96% of husbands said they find their wife as attractive, or more attractive than the day they were married, regardless of physical fitness changes, age, pregnancies, etc..  96%!  Whether your body is perfect or not, your husband wants to see it.  I can state that with a 96% accuracy.  My wife used to feel the same.  She’d never let me see her naked.  It took time to get over that, but now she has no issues walking around naked in front of me, in full light…even being days away from giving birth, as she is at the time of this writing, and I love it!  She often catches me staring.

As for how she changed that … she decided to do it when it was uncomfortable, and it became more comfortable over time.  But, the decision is the key part.  I’m quite happy about that, because for us men, if our wife doesn’t feel comfortable being naked in front of us…that means she’s not comfortable with us.  That there is something we have done to break her trust, to make her not feel safe.  To us, you not being comfortable with your body says more about us than about you.  Actually, I just talked about this on a podcast interview with Belah Rose at www.delightyourmarriage.com (It’s posting on the 17th if you care to hear it).

In that podcast, I also talk about how the Bible tells you are a wonderful creation, and I’ve had coaching clients that I’ve encouraged to go through a study to learn about what the Bible says about them, about who they are, to feel more comfortable with their body, and themselves as a whole.

And for the zero energy, I’m glad you’re getting help for that.

In the mean time, is there a way you can still connect sexually that doesn’t take so much energy? Perhaps having sex in the morning, before your energy is depleted.  Or tell your husband he has to do all the work (he probably won’t mind).  Even if it’s just going to bed naked, at least he would get some naked time with you.  My wife comes to bed naked every night now.  She doesn’t sleep naked, she puts on pajamas before going to sleep, but I get to cuddle with a naked wife every night (even when we don’t have sex).  It’s awesome.  That might help your husband too.  Just a thought. 

Thank you all for your questions and giving me the opportunity to answer them.  I feel blessed to be a part of your growth, even if in a small way.  Again, should you need more answers, feel free to contact me through my blog (www.sexwithinmarriage.com) or my coaching practice (www.anonymousmarriagecoaching.com).