YOU ASKED…THEY ANSWERED!

Sex Within Marriage responded to LOTS of Momsanity’s questions about marital intimacy.

Jay Dee writes, with his wife, Christina, at www.SexWithinMarriage.com, a blog dedicated to discussing married sexuality within the Christian life.  Jay also is a Christian marriage coach, practicing at www.anonymousmarriagecoaching.com, catering to couples who are struggling to get to the next level in their marriage.  Jay and Christina have been married for 13 years and have 5 children, whom they home-school.  Their mission in life is to help others improve their lives by implementing biblical guidance into daily living.

Be sure to check out Part 1 and Part 3 of Q&A!

* This is a LONG article–be sure to have the time to get through it to have your marriage transformed!*

Hello to the Project MomSanity community!  It’s been a pleasure to see your questions come in.  So many good, honest questions, and I’m going to do my best to answer them, based on what I see in my own marriage, in the marriages of couples I’ve dealt with in my coaching practice, what little I know of psychology, and what I know of the Bible.  I feel I should have a bit of a disclaimer though.  I’m not a pastor, doctor, therapist or counselor.  My studies are all the studies of a lay person who happens to spend a lot of time researching and talking to people about marriage and sex.  As such, everything should be taken as my opinion on the subject, and you will have to form, and be responsible for your own opinions.  I believe my role is to try and give you as much information as I can, so that you can make informed decisions and plans.

 

As well, these are answers given without a lot of context and without being able to ask for more information.  I’ve done my best to infer and guess to fill in the blanks, but if you want to ask any follow up questions, feel free to email me.

 

Also, if you sent in a question, I urge you to read all the answers.  There was a lot of overlap and someone elses answer might help you.  If you didn’t submit a question, I still think reading them all through can be helpful and eye opening.  It might give you some ideas for your own marriage.

 Finally, some of these answers might bring more questions.  If you are interested in some marriage coaching, to help work out some step by step plans for how to implement changes in yourself, or your marriage, with the same anonymity you have enjoyed in this exchange, feel free to visit AnonymousMarriageCoaching.com.  If you’re interested in signing up, I’m offering the MomSanity community a 25% discount by using the coupon code MOMSANITY if you sign up before the end of February.  For those in the MomSanity Sisterhood, check there for an even bigger discount.

We’ve had to break the answers into three post due to the number of questions and the length of the answers, so if you don’t see yours, check the other posts, if they’ve already been posted, or wait for them them to be, it shouldn’t be long.  Now, on with the your questions, and my answers!

 

Question #11

My husband wants me to be more vocal during sex–namely, to be more verbal in how much I’m enjoying giving or receiving pleasure. I enjoy our intimacy, and occasionally orgasm, but outside of a few low volume moans, I can’t bring myself to say anything? It just doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, or something that I would do…

Should I try and get comfortable with being more vocal? How can I?

As with many things in Christianity, in this question we have two opposing concepts that we need to balance.

Concept #1 is that we should love our spouses unconditionally as they are (and they us).

Concept #2 is that we should do our best to serve our spouses.

So, should you?  Well, it depends on how you are looking at it, I think.

 

Should you to gain your husband’s love, or for fear that he won’t love you, or be disappointed if you don’t?  No, I don’t think so.

Should you try, to arouse your husband, to bless him in this way, to show him that you love him?  Yeah, why not?

 

I’m not surprised you can’t bring yourself to say anything.  Christianity has done a horrible job of making sex taboo, particularly the words surrounding sex.  But, if you read Song of Solomon, it is full of erotic words…maybe not in English, but in Hebrew, these are some very erotic things the spouses are saying to each other.  So, I don’t think being more vocal, whether just sounds, or so called “dirty” words is bad, though I can certainly understand how they can be uncomfortable.

 

So, that covers the “should”, I think.

How can you?  The simplest answer is that familiarity brings comfortability.  Practice makes perfect, so to speak.  Many things in our married life are uncomfortable at first, even if they are good.  Being naked in front of your spouse is certainly uncomfortable at first for most…but its good.  Praying together alone is uncomfortable…but it’s good.  Confessing your sins to each other and asking for forgiveness is beyond uncomfortable, it’s downright painful…but it’s good.  I’m not saying that being more vocal during sex is on par with these things, but it has this in common: it’s going to be uncomfortable at first…but it gets easier.  And uncomfortable things can still be arousing, particularly with the added dopamine of trying something new, taboo, and a little risky.

 

As for not being able to think of anything to say, I have an idea for that.  It’s a game, of sorts.  Along the same lines of “Simon Says”, and it puts the larger risk on your husband. He wants you to be more vocal, so let’s put him to work.  The game works like this.  He asks something that he wants you to say, and then you reflect it back.  So, for example (without getting too descriptive, I hope):

 

Your husband would ask “Do you like it when I touch you here?”

And you would respond “I like it when you touch me there.”

 

Your husband would ask “Do you want me to lick your [insert body part]?”

And you would respond “I want you to lick my [insert body part].”

In this way, your husband is taking the lead.  You know you won’t say anything to offend him, because he’s already stating his desires.  Of course, if it’s something you don’t want to do you can just say “No, I don’t want you to …..”, it still gives you practice saying it.  Or, if you’re feeling really brave, you can say “I’d rather you …..” and then suggest something different.

 

Hope that helps.

Question #12

Is sexting appropriate or how should we handle that type of physical intimacy communication and desires when we are not physically together? (such as while we are out at work or even out with friends)

Question #13

My husband travels for business overseas and can sometimes be away for over a week. Is it okay for us to have virtual sex via skype? After a few days without sex, he feels the need for this and I don’t want him to be tempted to view pornography.

I decided to answer both of these questions together, because they’re basically the same thing.

Short answer:  I think there is nothing wrong with sexting or virtual sex via skype.  It is a shared, sexual experience with your spouse and involving no one else, or any outside influences.  Have fun!

Long answer: Check out my post Is mutual masturbation OK for married Christians

Question #14

Is the use of sex toys and more kinky stuff(i.e. 50 shades of gray stuff) appropriate for Christian married couples?

This question was actually included in one of the above ones, but I split it off because it’s a separate topic.  However, I’m going to answer with a bunch of links, because I already have posts on these topics.

So, for sex toys, I have:

Are sex toys allowed in a Christian marriage?

On the “more kinky stuff”, I have a couple:

My wife wants me to tie her up?!

Why do some wives like their hair pulled?

You can find some more on my blog with a little bit of browsing.  I’m not going to link them, because I’ve been told that just the post titles can be unnerving for some who are … less adventurous.  Other’s think they’re my best posts, so I’ll let you find them if you like.

You can find some more on my blog with a little bit of browsing.  I’m not going to link them, because I’ve been told that just the post titles can be unnerving for some who are … less adventurous.  Other’s think they’re my best posts, so I’ll let you find them if you like. 

Question #15

What do you suggest for people that can’t get over the internal notion that sex is dirty? 

In all honesty, and it’s going to sound counterintuitive, read the Bible.  Seriously.  The Bible is quite sex-positive.  Though trying to read through the Bible and pick out the verses on sex can be a challenge.  So, here are some book suggestions that heavily reference the Bible:

I’ve already suggested it, but the book Intimacy Ignited is a great study of Song of Solomon.  As well, J. Parker of Hot, Holy & Humorous has written a devotional on intimacy in the Bible called Intimacy Revealed and then there is Sheila Gregoire’s book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex which is just an awesome work in my opinion. 

Lastly, pray.  I know, it’s weird to pray to God about sex … but He created it.  In fact, His very first commandment to humans was to go have sex (be fruitful and multiply).  Clearly He thought it was a good thing.  Ask Him to show you what He intended for you to think about sex.

Question #16

My husband has a fetish. I’ve grown to love it and indulge it as it has worked out to be a fun part of our sex life and foreplay. Partly because it’s so easy to entice him.  I think he is a little self-conscious about it even though I’m completely supportive of it. I would be interested to know if you’ve done any research on fetishes of any kind. Is it mostly something that occurs with men?

I’ll admit, I have not done much research on fetishes.  I do know, that it is much more common in men, but I have yet to see a decent statistic on the subject.  So, that answers your question (by saying I don’t have much of an answer), but I’d like to give a little more, if I may.

First, I think it might be helpful to have a definition of what a fetish is:

Fetish – An object or body part which, real or fantasized presence, is psychologically necessary for an individual to achieve sexual arousal or climax.

So, my concern here would be that the object or body part in question becomes the focus of sex.  That it is more about that then about you.  What happens if you say “[insert fetish here] is not in play tonight.  We’re not using it, or touching it, or whatever.”?  Would sex still occur?  Would he be able to orgasm?  If not…that concerns me a bit, to be honest.  Because then it would appear he’s having sex with his fetish, and you are secondary.

 If that’s not the case, then I’m proud of you for embracing his “quirk” shall we call it (because then I don’t think it’s technically a fetish).

Question #17

Do you feel there are sex acts or activities that should be off limits even if both partners in the marriage are on board and interested? I’m not really referring to things that are obviously off limits like anything outside the marriage, or pornography, etc., but more things related to your physical sexual life and intimacy. If you’re interested in spicing things up with your spouse, is there “too far?”

 My boundaries sound very similar to yours.

1. Sex should be reserved for your spouse only – This cuts out affairs, threesomes, porn, erotica, a lot of fantasy, swinging, voyeurism, exhibitionism and solo masturbation in my book. Of course, if your voyeurism and exhibitionism is about seeing or being seen by your spouse, then I think that’s fine so long as it doesn’t involve others.  Likewise solo masturbation in the presence of your spouse I believe is okay, because it’s still a shared sexual experience.
2. Sex should be mutually beneficial – This has a lot of leeway as benefits can be quite intangible. If you offer a sexual activity to your spouse that you get no physical pleasure out of, you can still reap the enjoyment of seeing them pleasured, or even just the benefit of having them more relaxed the next day.
3. Sex should value life – I don’t think sadism, masochism, humiliation, and the like, have a place in the Christian marriage bed. That said, I think bondage, blindfolding, hair-pulling and other such activitiescan be done in love, and then are okay.

I believe those are my boundaries and I believe they are biblically founded based on a wide variety of passages that I honestly have never compiled into a single list (but I think I should write a post on that, so check my blog now and again to see if I’ve written one).

 So, is there a too far?  Yeah, I think so.  If you cross the Bible’s counsel on marriage and sex, it’s too far.  If you make your spouse unduly uncomfortable, then I think that too far (even if the particular act is okay).  If you want to be more specific, feel free to contact me via email, or you can use the anonymous Have A Question page if you are feeling shy (a lot of people are, that’s why I have the page).

Question #18

What are some ways that I can spice things up for my husband in the bedroom without feeling like I’m trying to be something I’m not?

Question #19

I often don’t want to try new positions, new things- they make me feel vulnerable and I just don’t feel comfortable trying different things. I really am happy with doing the same positions every time. I think my husband would like me to be more adventurous but it is really hard for me to get out of my comfort zone. Advice? How can I change my thinking so I want to be more adventurous?

I’m going to try and answer these together as well since there is a huge overlap.  So, first, how can you spice things up for your husband without trying to be something you are not? You can’t!

 Right now you’re a person that doesn’t do these things.  In order to do them, you’re going to have to become a person who does.  That’s going to require growth, and growing requires getting out of your comfort zone.  Sorry, there’s no short cut on this one.

But, some incentive for you: doing something outside of your comfort zone, coupled with success, gives you a nice boost of dopamine (the reward hormone), which will make it easier to step out of your comfort zone next time.

Also, your husband will probably find it a huge turn on that you’re willing to step out of your comfort zone for him.

So, maybe think of some things you can do that are not such big steps.  I’m guessing your having trouble doing that, so I’ll offer a couple of ideas.

Firstly, I find most wives accept something being done to them more easily than doing (This is based on talking to people, I only have experience with one wife).  So, activities where you are more … submissive, or the recipient of the activity, are more likely to be acceptable than having to actively do something outside of your comfort zone.

Also, there is an interesting trick your brain plays on you that the more you are aroused, the more your brain dials down your ability to make judgement calls.  So, if you are really turned on … you’re less likely to say no to something.

Lastly, you are far more likely to allow new activities while you are ovulating.  There’s a whole science behind that, but for brevity I’ll just say ovulating makes your body want to have sex, and it’s less concerned about it being “perfect”, and more concerned about … acquiring genetic material, shall we say.  You can use this to your advantage though, because that part of your brain isn’t too smart.  It doesn’t always realize that some of the activities you engage in can’t physically lead to a baby … I don’t have to spell that out, do I?

So, tie these together.  When you are ovulating, get your husband to get your really turned on (long back massage that turns into an erotic massage maybe?), and then try something simple.

Blindfolding is fairly easy.  You just need scrap of cloth.  A scarf will work (if you can’t think of anything).  Why would you want to be blindfolded? Losing your sense of sight can enhance your other senses.  There’s a sense of danger as well, which can be arousing (if you have a history of sexual abuse though … be careful with this, it can be a trigger).  Also, you don’t know what your husband is going to do next, is he going to touch, lick, suck, rub, or something else?  And you don’t know where.  Also, it puts your in more of a submissive position, which many women find arousing as well.  It has to do with a longing to feel safe, which ironically can be fulfilled by being blindfolded, if you trust your spouse.  Oh, and if you are embarrassed to have sex in a lighted room, this can help too.  You get to be in the dark and not see anything (which sometimes tricks your brain into thinking your husband can’t see you either), but your husband gets to enjoy seeing your body.  Win win!

Another simple option is having your hands tied.  Again, scarf or an old tie will work.  Just tie your hands together, not to anything (unless you want to).  It’s not that restrictive, but it again gives a sense of danger, and a lot of the stuff as above.

There’s the vocalization game I mentioned in a previous answer, if you want to try being more vocal.

Your husband would ask “Do you like it when I touch you here?”

And you would respond “I like it when you touch me there.”

Your husband would ask “Do you want me to lick your [insert body part]?”

And you would respond “I want you to lick my [insert body part].”

Again, you are just responding, so it’s not as scary as just jumping out and being more vocal on your own.

As for trying new positions to be honest, there aren’t that many that really work, and those that do can be broken up into fairly simple categories:

1. Man on top
2. Woman on top
3. Rear entry
4. Crazy positions that can break something

So, how do you get more comfortable with new positions.  Maybe first just try altering the ones you use.  For example, missionary position can be changed by:

• Put a pillow under your … rear end. This changes the “angle of attack” as it were.
• Lift your legs up. Or have him hold them up.  Oh, bonus tip for the husband (if you share this with him):, pull her legs up towards the ceiling, but a couple feet apart.  The tension can cause some incredible sensations for her.
• Have your husband more upright, instead of over you. This again changes the angle, tends to hit the g-spot more directly.
• Put one leg up (by his shoulder), one down, this will cause you to turn more to the side. Again, different sensation.

Rear entry can be shifted a lot by simple movement changes.

• Being on hands and knees
• Being flat on the bed
• Putting your shoulders and head down on the bed, but on your knees
• Arch your back (which is an ambiguous term, but try both ways)

Woman on top again can be changed

• You can down close to your husband
• Sitting upright
• Leaning back (your hands on his thigh or knees)
• Turn around and face his feet
• Up and down movements vs. grinding

So, if trying something completely new is too much, try small modifications first.

Thank you all for your questions and giving me the opportunity to answer them. I feel blessed to be a part of your growth, even if in a small way. Again, should you need more answers, feel free to contact me through my blog (www.sexwithinmarriage.com) or my coaching practice (www.anonymousmarriagecoaching.com).