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I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day.  I know, as a Christian Marriage Blogger (what I call myself), and a Christian Sex Educator (what others have called me), I’m supposed to be all excited about Valentine’s Day, after all, it’s all about love and sex, right?…but I’m not.  I’ll be honest, I see it doing a lot of damage.  So, today, I’m not going to write a post about what the best Valentine’s Day Gift is, how to have the best Valentine’s Day Date, how to have the best Valentine’s Day Sex, or the best Valentine’s anything.  Quite the opposite: I’m going to tell you why you should NOT have Valentine’s Day Sex!  Instead I’m going to challenge you to do something even better.

What is Valentine’s Day Sex?

Society has made us believe that Valentine’s Day Sex is a fantasy and an expectation all rolled together into one day.  It’s the one day out of the year when we are all encouraged, almost commanded, to assume that our spouse is going to be the perfect romantic and give us everything we want.

For women, commercials on TV tell you that your husband knows your favorite gifts, and knows they are on sale.  There is a month long crescendo of sales, advertising and other marketing pushing you towards the inevitable conclusion: if your husband doesn’t give you the perfect gift…he doesn’t love you.

For men, we have a similar experience.  Our commercials, ads and marketing all tell us that our wife is going to be inexplicably in the mood for sex on that day, that they’ll be not only ready to explore our wildest fantasies, but initiating them, being sex crazed spouses for one day, catering to our every desire.  Thus: if she doesn’t turn into this sex crazed wife…she doesn’t love me.

And under all of this is the inescapable undertone that, when everything is said and done, you are exchanging gifts for sex.  This causes a pressure, for many wives, that if your husband buys you a gift that you owe him sex, reducing Valentine’s Day to a cleverly orchestrated conversion of turning a loving, bonding activity between a married couple (i.e.: sex), down to a business transaction: You give me things, I give you sex.  And this, is bad for both spouses.

For some women, they feel their husbands are buying sex from them, and they are obligated to fulfill this covert contract. For other wives, they expect gifts, flowers, expensive meals, and if they don’t get it, they feel unloved, and not in the mood for sex, when, ironically, on any other day, this wouldn’t have been the expectation.

Some men feel degraded that they need to somehow bribe their wives to have sex with him on this day, this one supposedly devoted to love.  Husband’s approach the day dreading that they have purchased the wrong gift, said the wrong thing, or will do something that will somehow make the “deal” go sour.  There is such a high expectation of Valentine’s Day Sex, that if we do something to ruin that…well, we feel like we’ve lost out on something that we know the rest of the world is getting: the best sex of the year.  All, because we didn’t buy the right gift, say the perfect thing, pick out the right card, or buy long enough roses.

In many marriages, this is a lose-lose scenario.  Even if the gift is perfect, the meal is flawless, conversation is flowing and the sex is exciting and  … well … orgasmic, what you have done is create this idea that only on Valentine’s Day is this possible, but also, that it’s expected.  And you better not fail to reach this level of perfection next year, or it will just be a letdown.

Valentine’s Day Sex, to me, sounds like a trap for married couples.

So, what about Valentine’s Day?

So, what am I saying?  Am I saying don’t have sex on February 14th?  No!  Go ahead!  God Bless! I encourage it!  However, instead of having “Valentine’s Day Sex” with all the expectations and potential disappointments, why not have Saturday sex (if you’re reading this a year later, or more, adjust as needed).  What is Saturday sex?  It’s the same as Sunday through Friday sex.

If you just said “But Saturday sex is boring!” then, that’s where you need to focus your attention.  Why wait for this one day out of the year to have exceptional sex?  Start focusing on your sex life with your spouse.  Inject some life into your “regular” sex, and then maybe you won’t need to use Valentine’s Day as an escape from your hum drum marriage bed activities.

So, this Valentine’s Day, I’m going to challenge you to, instead of the presents, the fancy dinners, etc., in exchange for sex: focus on your sex life, not just this one day of the year, but all year round.  I mean, you can still go out for dinner if you like, but maybe shift the conversation a bit.  Let’s talk about some stuff that really matters.  You want an exciting Valentine’s Day?  Well, let’s learn how to make every day exciting.

Excitement means adventure, and adventure means risk

Are you ready to get risky?  No, I’m not talking about having sex in the park (really, that is probably illegal where you live anyways, and for a lot of us it’s winter, so that’s doubly impractical).  I’m talking about opening up and revealing yourself to your partner.  What if you had dinner (out, at home, wherever, or if you have kids, make a dessert for just you and your spouse after they go to bed) and while you eat, ask each some really risky questions.

Questions like

Tell me what sex really means to you?

If there was one thing you’d like to improve about our sex life, what would it be?

What is your favorite way for me to initiate sex?

If you want more, I have a PDF of 37 questions like this for spouses.  You can get it here.

Try to ask each other some deep, scary, intimate questions that make you feel vulnerable.  In our society, vulnerability is seen as a weakness, but in marriage, it’s essential to grow.  We need to open up and be vulnerable so that we can share who we really are.  It can be frightening and embarrassing to answer these questions. It can be frightening and embarrassing to hear the answers too!  How you respond to your spouse’s answer is just as important as how you answer your spouse’s questions.  That’s why doing this while eating can be helpful.  You can take time to think while you chew your food.  You can stare down at your dish if you can’t look your spouse in the eyes while answer.

Many, if not most, Christian couples never talk about sex.  They have sex, but they don’t talk about it.  They grew up thinking that sex is dirty, that it’s taboo, and that it’s not something you talk about.  So, questions regarding your sexuality, even with your spouse, can feel risky, and it is, you are putting yourself out there.  But you didn’t want something safe, did you?  You wanted excitement and adventure.  Well, here it is.  Learn to be open, to be vulnerable.  Learn to bring intimacy into your marriage on multiple levels, because talking about sex won’t just improve your physical intimacy, it will improve your emotional and intellectual intimacy.  And when these aspects of intimacy grow, you will find that Valentine’s Day Sex won’t hold a candle to Saturday sex, or even Monday morning sex.

Your Challenges

So, I have three challenges for you to help apply this in your life:

Come up with 3 questions about your sex life to ask your spouse and share them with the group on the Facebook page (if you don’t feel comfortable sharing, still think up some questions).
Look through the other questions in my list as well as those shared on the Facebook page and choose a dozen to ask your spouse (and have them ask you in return) this Valentine’s Day.
Don’t just do this on Valentine’s Day. Take time, regularly, to ask difficult questions, to be open and vulnerable, and grow your intimacy.