By Coach Debbie

When I had my newborn I remember looking at his sweet face that could do no wrong.  “I will never yell at this child,” I told myself.  I mean, I was a school teacher, so I KNOW how to deal with children.”

I was wrong.  And I can’t even blame my own parents because neither one of them yelled or reacted irrationally more than 5 times in my childhood.

Before I go on, if you’re one of those perfect parents OR one of those can’t-take-a-joke parents, do me a solid and just stop reading this article.  Only God can change me (I’m learning to cooperate) and He’s the one allowed to judge.  I adore my kids, I joke with my kids, and how one family functions (or dysfunctions) may not make sense to another family.

Here are some common phrases I repeat to my “Reproduction Results” (aka “kids”):

1. Do you want 48 spankings?  (I have never, ever actually dished out 48)
2. I will give you a 3 second head start.  I hope you can outrun me because I am mad. (Calm down, we usually end up laughing.  Because I’m competitive and have no problem letting my kids lose in a race.)
3. Fruit, Water, Meat, Vegetables, Carbs.  (Picture a really tired kid owner singing this on repeat as these are the ingredients they must put into their lunchboxes.  No, I do not pack anyone’s lunch.)
4. Have you lost your daggone mind?  (Could I be more Southern?  Good grief.)
5. Obey all the way, right away, and with a happy heart. (I stole that from the fabulous book “Don’t Make Me Count to 3!”)
6. What does the Bible say about obedience?  (They learned this one REAL quick, fast and in a hurry.  The answer is: Children, obey your parents that it may go well with you OR Children, obey your parents for this is right OR Children, obey your parents that you may enjoy long life on earth.  Yes, all that is in God’s Word.)
7. You want to know what’s for breakfast/lunch dinner?  Dirt and Worms.  (You’d think they’d quit asking.)
8. Who decided to not flush the toilet / close the door / turn off the lights?  (Answer is, of course, “Not me”)
9. Stop touching your wanker.  (Yes, they know it’s a penis and I use that word too.)
10. Go tell the Tattle Bag. (When my kids were in preschool, their teacher had an actual Tattle Bag.  It was an empty bag that you could put your mouth to and tattle into.  So cute, right?  So I tell my kids if they are just dying to unload how brother has done wrong, they can go tell it to the Tattle Bag.  Nevermind the fact that we don’t actually HAVE a tattle bag because that’s at the corner of Pinterest Avenue and MarthaStewart Boulevard.)
11. Get out of my house.  (In my defense, I say it kindly with a smile as I lock the back door and force my brood to play outside so that I don’t lose my mind.)
12. What would you like prayer for today? (They get 2 requests each as we drive to school because pregnancy destroyed my brain’s ability to remember more than 8 things.)
13. My name is not Flo and I am not a waitress.  (Somehow my kids think our kitchen is a diner and the concept of Mom getting to sit AND eat is ludicrous.)
14. You smell bad. (One kid in particular is always ripe.  I make sure to inform any of them when they are gross.  But I return the favor and tell them I smell like a dumpster.  The twins usually need to verify my odor which is hilarious.)
15. I can’t wait to visit you when you’re a dad; be prepared for me to make a mess and complain about the food.  (I should rethink this as I hear they pick my rest home once I’m even more old and senile.)
16. Be a problem solver.  (Whining is so 2012.  Figure it out for yourself, little man.)
17. Full of love.  (When my kids argue, I repeat this 3-word phrase.)
18. Ain’t nobody got time for that.  (Tell me you’ve discovered “Sweet Brown” on YouTube!  This phrase applies to any and all things that they ask me to do that I’m not in the mood for; like finding batteries or listening to information about spiders.)
19. Put your hands in your pockets.  (Taking kids into THE public can be a form of self-torture, so I encourage this simple act so they don’t touch everything and knock stuff off of shelves in stores.)
20. You have 10 seconds to _____. (This is NOT the same as “Don’t make me count to three!”  My kids are motivated by countdowns so I give them 10 Mississippi seconds to complete tasks like buckling a seat belt or roll their tired bodies out of bed in the morning.)

Now, it’s YOUR turn!  What phrases would I catch you saying to your kids?